...people is a difficult place to be sometimes. Sitting with these emotions and memories with inklings to just get up and go to them. Realizations that memories are not tangible places that are possible to get back to. So just sitting with them. Wanting to see how people have changed since the last time. Moving around so much in my life I feel like home is spread out so vastly because there are so many people that I care about in so many different places. Some say that it's just part of growing up, but I am at times stubborn to let go. Life sure is busy and people live it, that's for sure. To put it all on hold would be very difficult for a whole lot of us, but it would be really nice to be able to see everyone that I miss right now. Selfish because it would be extra nice if everyone just came to me. When I first got back from the orient I was planning on just taking a big trip to all the places where people I care about are. Three months later I am still in the same spot that the plane from India took me to. Life started happening and then it picked up the pace a bit. I am playing music in one project, auditioning for another either today or tomorrow, and just got offered a teaching job that actually pays really well in the cities. First meeting is tomorrow at four. None of this is negative in any way at all. I am very happy to be involved with everything that is going on right now and feel very lucky. But it's hard to adjust to commitments after spending so long without them. Especially when I want to pick up and go to all the people I love and care for that are not in the twin cities area. It sure is a blessing that life is long and filled with so many moments. That is the key element to be aware of. Patience. Not to be confused with apathy. Just the awareness and ability to take it easy, slow, and relaxed.
Calling those in my heart right now and telling them how much they mean to me is how this is gonna go down. Gotta go
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
all good things...
...take time and patience. Often times I get struck with an idea of something I could be doing that would make me happy and satisfied. A project or endeavor that requires a certain process of execution and with that process comes a series of events that will not always get me what I desire at day's end but instead may take weeks or even months to accomplish. Through this time the process can seem mundane and a waste of time and energy because it's not always easy to keep the big picture in sight. I find it easy to lose patience and get frustrated by this. It might be that life is often in a state of go, go ,go, and it feels like it's moving so fast that parts of it are passing me by while I am trying to put in time and energy towards a goal. I get distracted by other things that are going on around me and by things that other's are doing. Then, before I know what happened, the idea or goal is lost and I've moved on to another endeavor thinking, what ever happened to what I was doing two months ago. Spontaneity can be a beautiful thing, but the ability to focus is just as important to me.
Ideas must be nurtured in the way that one might nurture an existing entity that has been taken under the wing. Proper attention and awareness is necessary for nourishment and growth, much like a plant. The growing process can be very slow going much of the time but that does not allow the nurturing to stop. I am very good at becoming bored, planting a bunch of seeds all at once, and then later find myself overwhelmed because too many things are going on at once and I am at a loss of the energy necessary to keep everything in a state of forward motion. Most of the time that is when certain things are given up and that never feels good.
I find it very important that breathing is always happening. If it's important for me, then I must allow it to be important for every one and everything else, no matter how slow it seems to be going on.
Ideas must be nurtured in the way that one might nurture an existing entity that has been taken under the wing. Proper attention and awareness is necessary for nourishment and growth, much like a plant. The growing process can be very slow going much of the time but that does not allow the nurturing to stop. I am very good at becoming bored, planting a bunch of seeds all at once, and then later find myself overwhelmed because too many things are going on at once and I am at a loss of the energy necessary to keep everything in a state of forward motion. Most of the time that is when certain things are given up and that never feels good.
I find it very important that breathing is always happening. If it's important for me, then I must allow it to be important for every one and everything else, no matter how slow it seems to be going on.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
choices
Ah, the curse of consciousness. The choices that I make are pretty consistently made in a very spontaneous manner. I am able to do this because of the choices that I have made when the structure of my lifestyle comes to mind. I am pretty much a single man with nothing holding me in any particular place. Sometimes the choices that are made in a matter of very short passing moments have the ability, in a consequence reaction, to follow me for a very long period of time. Those that I have hurt in my past without even bearing much thought on what I am choosing and how that is affecting other people is a very real situation.
I had a discussion with my sister the other day about the subject. She was confiding in me things that have happened to her and her inability to forgive and forget some of them. People need to break down within themselves choices they have made and come to a place where they are able to forgive themselves. Maybe not necessarily forget, but forgive so that acceptance and the will to move on is attainable. Our point of forgiveness is very personal and can be very difficult to reach sometimes but the acceptance in being responsible for the suffering our choice may have introduced others to cannot be dictated by our own forgiveness in self. I do believe that accepting that responsibility cannot be met until we are at a place of self awareness through self acceptance and forgiveness, but the path to make something right only gets more difficult when we are ready to confront those we have hurt.
Our defenses always want to run to claims that the hurt person is to occupied with living in the past. We are so quick to grant ourselves the right of forgiveness and aren't capable of granting others the same. It's very hypocritical to take the necessary steps in forgiving ourselves without the will to listen to others, who want to forgive us as well, and grant them the right to take the steps necessary to reach their own personal point of forgiveness. Giving only ourselves closure does not erase the action. This is something that I am becoming more aware of getting back in touch with people that are close to my heart. I feel that being aware of this is a step in the right direction when it comes to being more mind full of choices that I make in the future. I am thankful for moments of realization like this.
I let someone down who I cherish very much once. It was a death in the family situation and I was not there how I should have been. This introduced the demise of a relationship. I was not aware that sometimes just a physical presence, one without the answers or solutions, is all that another needs sometimes. My ego felt like I wasn't helping because nothing I was saying seemed to be doing any good. So I distanced myself. This choice, which at the time was made without much thought as if it was common sense, and the way that someone who put their trust in me has suffered because of it, has brought itself back in the fold as communication has been reopened. I find that in communicating about this has made me realize just how much that choice and my forgiveness in self with the matter has subconsciously taught me that I owe it to the other person the right to be still angered and hurt with me. Because it took me a very long time to accept it withing myself and now I understand that I need to provide closure for the other person. It is not always the most comfortable conversation, but I feel that I have learned a little better how to listen to others and accept responsibility for my actions without being defensive. This to me is a step forward and I appreciate the person wanting to forgive me, allowing me to go through the experience.
The way that I effect others is something that through time I am becoming more aware of. The importance that I treat people with the integrity, heart, and respect that I give myself is very valued to me. It is fascinating just how difficult it can be sometimes but always very much so indeed worth it. What is a life without these fascinations and difficulties? A walk through the motions in a park of illusion. At least that's what I think.
I had a discussion with my sister the other day about the subject. She was confiding in me things that have happened to her and her inability to forgive and forget some of them. People need to break down within themselves choices they have made and come to a place where they are able to forgive themselves. Maybe not necessarily forget, but forgive so that acceptance and the will to move on is attainable. Our point of forgiveness is very personal and can be very difficult to reach sometimes but the acceptance in being responsible for the suffering our choice may have introduced others to cannot be dictated by our own forgiveness in self. I do believe that accepting that responsibility cannot be met until we are at a place of self awareness through self acceptance and forgiveness, but the path to make something right only gets more difficult when we are ready to confront those we have hurt.
Our defenses always want to run to claims that the hurt person is to occupied with living in the past. We are so quick to grant ourselves the right of forgiveness and aren't capable of granting others the same. It's very hypocritical to take the necessary steps in forgiving ourselves without the will to listen to others, who want to forgive us as well, and grant them the right to take the steps necessary to reach their own personal point of forgiveness. Giving only ourselves closure does not erase the action. This is something that I am becoming more aware of getting back in touch with people that are close to my heart. I feel that being aware of this is a step in the right direction when it comes to being more mind full of choices that I make in the future. I am thankful for moments of realization like this.
I let someone down who I cherish very much once. It was a death in the family situation and I was not there how I should have been. This introduced the demise of a relationship. I was not aware that sometimes just a physical presence, one without the answers or solutions, is all that another needs sometimes. My ego felt like I wasn't helping because nothing I was saying seemed to be doing any good. So I distanced myself. This choice, which at the time was made without much thought as if it was common sense, and the way that someone who put their trust in me has suffered because of it, has brought itself back in the fold as communication has been reopened. I find that in communicating about this has made me realize just how much that choice and my forgiveness in self with the matter has subconsciously taught me that I owe it to the other person the right to be still angered and hurt with me. Because it took me a very long time to accept it withing myself and now I understand that I need to provide closure for the other person. It is not always the most comfortable conversation, but I feel that I have learned a little better how to listen to others and accept responsibility for my actions without being defensive. This to me is a step forward and I appreciate the person wanting to forgive me, allowing me to go through the experience.
The way that I effect others is something that through time I am becoming more aware of. The importance that I treat people with the integrity, heart, and respect that I give myself is very valued to me. It is fascinating just how difficult it can be sometimes but always very much so indeed worth it. What is a life without these fascinations and difficulties? A walk through the motions in a park of illusion. At least that's what I think.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
