choices

Ah, the curse of consciousness. The choices that I make are pretty consistently made in a very spontaneous manner. I am able to do this because of the choices that I have made when the structure of my lifestyle comes to mind. I am pretty much a single man with nothing holding me in any particular place. Sometimes the choices that are made in a matter of very short passing moments have the ability, in a consequence reaction, to follow me for a very long period of time. Those that I have hurt in my past without even bearing much thought on what I am choosing and how that is affecting other people is a very real situation.

I had a discussion with my sister the other day about the subject. She was confiding in me things that have happened to her and her inability to forgive and forget some of them. People need to break down within themselves choices they have made and come to a place where they are able to forgive themselves. Maybe not necessarily forget, but forgive so that acceptance and the will to move on is attainable. Our point of forgiveness is very personal and can be very difficult to reach sometimes but the acceptance in being responsible for the suffering our choice may have introduced others to cannot be dictated by our own forgiveness in self. I do believe that accepting that responsibility cannot be met until we are at a place of self awareness through self acceptance and forgiveness, but the path to make something right only gets more difficult when we are ready to confront those we have hurt.

Our defenses always want to run to claims that the hurt person is to occupied with living in the past. We are so quick to grant ourselves the right of forgiveness and aren't capable of granting others the same. It's very hypocritical to take the necessary steps in forgiving ourselves without the will to listen to others, who want to forgive us as well, and grant them the right to take the steps necessary to reach their own personal point of forgiveness. Giving only ourselves closure does not erase the action. This is something that I am becoming more aware of getting back in touch with people that are close to my heart. I feel that being aware of this is a step in the right direction when it comes to being more mind full of choices that I make in the future. I am thankful for moments of realization like this.

I let someone down who I cherish very much once. It was a death in the family situation and I was not there how I should have been. This introduced the demise of a relationship. I was not aware that sometimes just a physical presence, one without the answers or solutions, is all that another needs sometimes. My ego felt like I wasn't helping because nothing I was saying seemed to be doing any good. So I distanced myself. This choice, which at the time was made without much thought as if it was common sense, and the way that someone who put their trust in me has suffered because of it, has brought itself back in the fold as communication has been reopened. I find that in communicating about this has made me realize just how much that choice and my forgiveness in self with the matter has subconsciously taught me that I owe it to the other person the right to be still angered and hurt with me. Because it took me a very long time to accept it withing myself and now I understand that I need to provide closure for the other person. It is not always the most comfortable conversation, but I feel that I have learned a little better how to listen to others and accept responsibility for my actions without being defensive. This to me is a step forward and I appreciate the person wanting to forgive me, allowing me to go through the experience.

The way that I effect others is something that through time I am becoming more aware of. The importance that I treat people with the integrity, heart, and respect that I give myself is very valued to me. It is fascinating just how difficult it can be sometimes but always very much so indeed worth it. What is a life without these fascinations and difficulties? A walk through the motions in a park of illusion. At least that's what I think.